| Author | Message | ||
| Penelope
Member Username: penelope Post Number: 80 Registered: 07-2005 |
Bless E for her help on this in workshop. I need to put it to bed. The Way a Life Is Made Memory is a fluid thing, the way a life is made, one flash, one shattered frame freezes me in June, a summer heart is cut in ice beneath a winter blade. I heard Dad’s call. He wanted me. Pride before a fall, I laid my fireflies aside and danced into his room. Memory is a fluid thing, the way a life is made. Like spotlights on a darkened stage, they bade me sing, Shrimp boats’s a comin’ under setting moon, a summer heart is cut in ice beneath a winter blade. I was six, how could I know the price I’d pay to sail myself sun center of their room. Memory is a fluid thing, the way a life is made. They clapped, they tittered as I sang, I swayed, but I was all I heard, my spinnaker ballooned, a summer heart is cut in ice beneath a winter blade. I hear their guffaws as the tape replayed, my childish voice off tune. Memory is a fluid thing, the way a life is made, a summer heart is cut in ice beneath a winter blade. (Message edited by Penelope on August 24, 2005) Penelope | ||
| Kevin C.
Member Username: task Post Number: 77 Registered: 07-2005 |
Penelope you did such a nice job reworking this. Since I've been following this I understand the line, "a summer heart is cut in ice beneath a winter blade", but I think it has gotten a bit disjointed. Someone, who reads this for the first time may have no clue since not much about winter is mentioned. I know you want to let this rest, but I STILL think this would work better if you would have left the ice skating imagry in. Some suggestions... replace "freezes" with "froze" (tense shift) replace "danced" with "skated" replace "sun center" with "rink" replace "swayed" with some ice skating move | ||
| Penelope
Member Username: penelope Post Number: 81 Registered: 07-2005 |
Kevin, boo hoo, not what I wanted to hear. I don't see the problem with tense, though. The incident happened in the past but the memory is occuring in the present. The same in the last stanza. I was hoping S1 was telling enough to juxtapose the summer imagery and the " heart cut in ice" repetition. Your suggestions make sense but I'm crying "uncle." This is my best shot with the form. I'm glad I tried it. Thanks for hanging around this one. Penelope | ||
| SplinterGroup
Advanced Member Username: splinter Post Number: 885 Registered: 11-2003 |
I don't know any of the past history of this piece but I'd say Let it be. As it is here it is a bit abstruse but that doesn't disable the feel of the piece. It feels kind of familiar-spooky. Innocence and lost innocence with a tinge of trepedation possibly or sadness. As I said.I'd just let it be. Too much explanation can take the mysterious out of poetry and too much inspection can make a high school sophmore biology frog dissection out of it. The frogs just never get up and eveningcroak again or make tadpoles. Just my slant on this. Addotto/Splinter/The Common-Tator | ||
| Penelope
Member Username: penelope Post Number: 82 Registered: 07-2005 |
Splinter, hooray, you think I should do exactly what I want to do. Well, all I can do at any rate. This frog ain't croakin no more. That made me laugh. A child's humiliation at the hands of those she trusts is a fixed time in memory, a marker of loss and so sad. That's what I was trying to capture. I appreciate that it worked on some level for you. Thanks. Penelope | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4591 Registered: 07-2001 |
I tend to agree with Alan, at least I would not do all of what Kevin recommended. Skate vs dance the one I might change. Changes will always occur, so do not be in too much of hurry to lock in a poem. Sometimes, they are never finished. Smiles. Gary Drop in read the new MindFire, 2005's first Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| Rhonda Maltbie
New member Username: rondalyn Post Number: 13 Registered: 04-2005 |
A villanelle? Love to see it work. Mine always suck. Such a restrctive form. Nice work. I think it should stay as is, if it needs changing it will come to you. Not only will it come to you but it wake you up in the middle of the night and nag you unmercilessly until it's fixed. Trust me, i know... Rhonda | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4960 Registered: 11-1998 |
With a form like this and so much repetition, Penelope, you have to pick strong lines to carry their weight each time they are repeated. Aside from the small things that Cary mentioned, you have done a superb job of choosing lines that bear repeating. This is not an easy job, so congratulate yourself on that. The small things will take care of themselves. If it helps you at all, I don't think I would have gotten skating in this (even with the blade -- I'm dumb, don't mind me) without the words that Cary suggests. I just saw a little girl singing badly, not skating. So if the skating theme is important to you, then pay attention to Cary's thoughts. If not, then let it be as it is. It's pretty terrific already. | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2375 Registered: 12-2003 |
Penelope, I like this as it is. The repetition of lines freezes the memory how it keeps coming back at you. Loss of innocence in one of the worst ways. Love the line " a summer heart is cut in ice beneath a winter blade". Many ways for the reader to interpret, which is a good thing. We all bring personal experience to what we read.  K | ||
| Penelope
Member Username: penelope Post Number: 89 Registered: 07-2005 |
Gary, Thanks for reminding me not to be too hasty to lock in a poem. I'm always tinkering-- sometimes it feels obsessive with that little poem voice nagging "fix me, fix me." Truthfully I like revision almost as much as composing. How crazy is that? But I need a t-shirt that says "Please help me, I'm revising and I can't shut up." Rhonda, it was restrictive and it has called to me in middle of the night. I really loved the challenge in spite of the sweat. I'm glad you thought it worked. M, thanks so much. The repetitive lines kept me going. It does help to know that you wouldn't have gotten skating. I had to pretty much drop that specific image. Kevin remembers it from the original but this poem metamorphosed. Kathy, how good to know you liked the poem and my favorite line. I so appreciate your view. Thanks. Penelope | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1654 Registered: 08-2003 |
The votes are in P. I'm so glad this evolved to your liking. Revisions for me in writing, the hardest part. It seems the words harden and cannot be molded once the clay has set. E |
